Wipe That Smile Off Your Face

By most accounts, I am a happy person. I enjoy spending time with my friends, a good joke, and perhaps even a drink on occasion . Yes, life is wonderful, and in general I think everyone deserves the right to be happy, and to display that happiness to the world.

However, with great happiness comes even greater irritation.

I don’t mean irritating like when your roommate blocks your car in the parking lot when you have a class to get to, or irritating like when you realize you need milk, but used all of it the night before when you mixed it with the Bailey’s you found in the fridge, and cried yourself to sleep. No, I speak of something far more evil and sinister; I’m talking about people who are so outwardly happy that they make your skin crawl and your blood boil.

You know the kind of person I am talking about here. These are the kinds of people that think it is alright to rub in your face, unprovoked, how incredibly satisfied they are with the way their lives are shaping up. When you ask them why they are so exuberant, everything is either “amazing”, “the best”, or simply “incredible”. If only I had a nickel for every time these people resort to hyperbole. Their responses are always accompanied by a nauseating giggle that pisses me off only slightly more than watching Entourage. For those of you who don’t know me, Entourage is the television equivalent in my life of sawing your toenails out with a string of dental floss…and I don’t mean the mint-flavoured one either.

I know exactly what you’re thinking.

You’re probably sitting there saying to yourself, “holy shit this guy is an angry asshole”. I can see why such thoughts have crept into your consciousness. While this article may come off as a little angry, I assure you that your thoughts could not be further from the truth. However, when you show up to class hung-over on a Friday morning, I challenge you not to resent the overly-optimistic and cheery bastard two rows in front of you who does not shut up, not even to breathe, about the amazing time they had walking through Victoria Park the evening before and watching the sunset. Now, that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy a good sunset from time to time, but I (along with the most of humanity) at least have the courtesy not to drone on about it like it’s the f**king Messiah. Newsflash! There’s a sunset every evening.

In closing, I would like to offer some advice to my loyal readers. It’s perfectly acceptable to be visibly happy when something good happens in your life. But by definition, good cannot exist without its negative counterpart, which for lack of a better word, I will call “bad”. When one half the equation is missing, the result is utter annoyance. Please make sure to keep your happiness in check; some of us don’t want to lose our breakfast.