Display Photo Vanity

Maybe I should try this one with more of a shadow on the left side of my f--oh hey, I didn't see you come in. What was I doing? Oh nothing important. Just spending a few hours crafting the best facebook display picture ever! No, I'm not a loser I swear. I just look better under certain lighting conditions. Godammit! What did I tell you about incandescant bulbs!? F**king amateurs.

Facebook and other such social networking internet applications have revolutionized the way a generation connects with family and friends. These sites have single-handedly changed the way people use the internet. But how do you put your best foot forward to the world, or more specifically to the four friends who will actually visit your profile in a given month? How about updating your favourite books to reflect your newfound appreciation for enlightenment-era literature? F**k no. It's time to fix that dated display picture. God! Two weeks with the same picture? This isn't the f**king stone age! But seriously, don't call me vain. Call me honest.

People, beleive it or not, actually spend great amounts of time preparing and selecting a photograph to represent them. The picture of you making out with that fat chick on your birthday's gotta go. But how do you know which picture to use? Let's go through some simple steps that will gurantee success** or your money back.

** success = at least two "likes" and a comment. F**k yeah.

STEP 1: Move over Sepia, there's a new sheriff in town. Use black and white whenever possible. Black and white photography will make your picture look classy, highlight contrasts and emphasize what little, pathetic muscle you have. So the next time you're in synagogue, Hailey from camp will be checkin' you out from the third row.

STEP 2: Do not face the camera directly. Stare into the distance at an angle of 45 degrees, looking as introspective as you can, and for the love of God, don't smile. This, in conjunction with STEP 1 will bring out your cheekbones, and maybe even hide that double chin you've developed in the fifteen years since you discovered Micky Dees. Those f**king fries are so good....

STEP 3: Adjust lighting to the desired effect. If you thought robbing your mother's make-up bag was the only way to hide pimples (and dress up like miley) think again. A good lighting job can cover up even the most puss-filled whiteheads you can dream up. Anyone else hungry? French fry time!...nom nom nom. Try a combination of both natural light from windows and the fake stuff that Edison keeps raggin' on about. Jeez it's not like he invented the f**king wheel.

When you're done, just upload and play the waiting game. That little f**king red flag with the number oughta come up any minute now...come on...come on...

Thanks for reading.