Wipe That Smile Off Your Face

By most accounts, I am a happy person. I enjoy spending time with my friends, a good joke, and perhaps even a drink on occasion . Yes, life is wonderful, and in general I think everyone deserves the right to be happy, and to display that happiness to the world.

However, with great happiness comes even greater irritation.

I don’t mean irritating like when your roommate blocks your car in the parking lot when you have a class to get to, or irritating like when you realize you need milk, but used all of it the night before when you mixed it with the Bailey’s you found in the fridge, and cried yourself to sleep. No, I speak of something far more evil and sinister; I’m talking about people who are so outwardly happy that they make your skin crawl and your blood boil.

You know the kind of person I am talking about here. These are the kinds of people that think it is alright to rub in your face, unprovoked, how incredibly satisfied they are with the way their lives are shaping up. When you ask them why they are so exuberant, everything is either “amazing”, “the best”, or simply “incredible”. If only I had a nickel for every time these people resort to hyperbole. Their responses are always accompanied by a nauseating giggle that pisses me off only slightly more than watching Entourage. For those of you who don’t know me, Entourage is the television equivalent in my life of sawing your toenails out with a string of dental floss…and I don’t mean the mint-flavoured one either.

I know exactly what you’re thinking.

You’re probably sitting there saying to yourself, “holy shit this guy is an angry asshole”. I can see why such thoughts have crept into your consciousness. While this article may come off as a little angry, I assure you that your thoughts could not be further from the truth. However, when you show up to class hung-over on a Friday morning, I challenge you not to resent the overly-optimistic and cheery bastard two rows in front of you who does not shut up, not even to breathe, about the amazing time they had walking through Victoria Park the evening before and watching the sunset. Now, that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy a good sunset from time to time, but I (along with the most of humanity) at least have the courtesy not to drone on about it like it’s the f**king Messiah. Newsflash! There’s a sunset every evening.

In closing, I would like to offer some advice to my loyal readers. It’s perfectly acceptable to be visibly happy when something good happens in your life. But by definition, good cannot exist without its negative counterpart, which for lack of a better word, I will call “bad”. When one half the equation is missing, the result is utter annoyance. Please make sure to keep your happiness in check; some of us don’t want to lose our breakfast.

Correction

So it turns out I made a mistake.

Among other things, this once again reinforces the notion that I am human and fallible.

My previous entry explained my lack of trust of hand sanitizers. for the reason that they do not kill viruses. It turns out that I was only partially correct. Hand sanitizers inactivate (not kill, as most current research suggests viruses are not alive) non-enveloped viruses, and have little to no effect on enveloped viruses. sadly (or not sadly), the flu is an enveloped virus.

However, hand sanitizer does kill many of the bacteria that help our own bodies defend against other bacteria, and is no substitute for good old soap and water.

Sanitize This

So its getting close to that time of year again. You know, the time of year where everyone huddles around the fire with hot chocolate, cookies, and a fresh phleghmy, fevery, case of the flu. The dominant flu strain for this year is the H1N1 strand, which has received its fair share of publicity. What seems to make this flu unique its its ability to debilitate younger healthier people much more than older, more immuno-compromised individuals in society (Good thing I've been living on a steady supply of Filet-O-Fish and Double Cheeseburgers).

But hey, that shouldn't be a problem for you now should it? I mean you basically bought all the Purrell you could stuff in your trunk, and snatched a few from an old lady on the way out. Dumb ***** was asking for it.

Think again.

The vast majority of hand sanitizers, if not all of them, are antibacterial. This means that for many illnesses that are caused by bacteria, this sh*t works great. Newsflash: The flu is a virus, not a bacteria. Viruses are not even considered by most scientists to be living, as they lack the cellular machinery to replicate without the assistance of a host. These sanitizers will not protect you from the flu any more than Cold FX fights Syphilis. Your best line of defense? Real handwashing that involves H-core scrubbing, avoid touching your face, and staying away from sick people.

Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Reality TV Can Suck It...For Real

I have never understood modern popular culture's obsession with so-called reality television. Then again, I have never really cared much about celebrities lives' or who Jude Law happens to be screwing this particular week. But reality television in particular is something, no matter how much I try, that I just can't seem to get my head around.

But let's take it back a step. Television was designed from the outset as an outlet for two things: news (reality) and the fictional crap. You know, the stuff that turns your brain into a strawberry neuron milkshake. People flocked to these fictional programs for one reason: to escape the realities of their Soviet-nuclear-holocaust-fearing lives, and float into the world of Ed Sullivan, Jack Benny, and the Three Stooges. Why would anyone want to watch reality, when they have reality all around them? Beats me.

The second point is how can this stuff even be considered reality? If a team of camera operators and make up artists were following you and your family around 24 hours a day, how can it possibly not alter how you behave? The answer is quite simple: It does alter your behaviour. It's not reality at all. Not one f**king bit. I don't begrudge those who think it's real; I pity them.

There are so many things going on in the world today that society should be taking an interest in other than Jon and Kate's crumbling marriage: Iran's nuclear ambitions, North Korea, and American health care reform, among other things. Our obsession with celebrity culture has made us a bunch of ignorant, knowledge-less, zombies.

OMFG I Just Came.

Publish Post

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to combine the two best things in the world? I know! So have I! Now McDonalds in Japan has done just that. They have combined,--get ready for it-- a Big Mac, and a Bacon n' egg McMuffin. If that doesn't get your heart beating (or struggling) i don't know what will.
I got it from: http://www.mcdonalds.co.jp/sales/new/mega_tamago/#

Display Photo Vanity

Maybe I should try this one with more of a shadow on the left side of my f--oh hey, I didn't see you come in. What was I doing? Oh nothing important. Just spending a few hours crafting the best facebook display picture ever! No, I'm not a loser I swear. I just look better under certain lighting conditions. Godammit! What did I tell you about incandescant bulbs!? F**king amateurs.

Facebook and other such social networking internet applications have revolutionized the way a generation connects with family and friends. These sites have single-handedly changed the way people use the internet. But how do you put your best foot forward to the world, or more specifically to the four friends who will actually visit your profile in a given month? How about updating your favourite books to reflect your newfound appreciation for enlightenment-era literature? F**k no. It's time to fix that dated display picture. God! Two weeks with the same picture? This isn't the f**king stone age! But seriously, don't call me vain. Call me honest.

People, beleive it or not, actually spend great amounts of time preparing and selecting a photograph to represent them. The picture of you making out with that fat chick on your birthday's gotta go. But how do you know which picture to use? Let's go through some simple steps that will gurantee success** or your money back.

** success = at least two "likes" and a comment. F**k yeah.

STEP 1: Move over Sepia, there's a new sheriff in town. Use black and white whenever possible. Black and white photography will make your picture look classy, highlight contrasts and emphasize what little, pathetic muscle you have. So the next time you're in synagogue, Hailey from camp will be checkin' you out from the third row.

STEP 2: Do not face the camera directly. Stare into the distance at an angle of 45 degrees, looking as introspective as you can, and for the love of God, don't smile. This, in conjunction with STEP 1 will bring out your cheekbones, and maybe even hide that double chin you've developed in the fifteen years since you discovered Micky Dees. Those f**king fries are so good....

STEP 3: Adjust lighting to the desired effect. If you thought robbing your mother's make-up bag was the only way to hide pimples (and dress up like miley) think again. A good lighting job can cover up even the most puss-filled whiteheads you can dream up. Anyone else hungry? French fry time!...nom nom nom. Try a combination of both natural light from windows and the fake stuff that Edison keeps raggin' on about. Jeez it's not like he invented the f**king wheel.

When you're done, just upload and play the waiting game. That little f**king red flag with the number oughta come up any minute now...come on...come on...

Thanks for reading.

What are [Facebook] Friends For?

"Hey man, guess who added me on facebook?"
"Who?"
"You know that hot girl who sits behind us in Psych?"
"Yeah of course! I haven't seen b***s like that since my subscription to Penthouse expired."
"What? No! We're facebook friends man! Talking? You crack me up sometimes. Pot?"
"Damn straight."

This type of conversation is not altogether that uncommon, but at its core it just seems so strange. Why do people add people as friends on facebook, a socializing website created to connect buddies who attended different universities, who aren't really their friends? I can't honestly say that I haven't done this in my own life, and I think it would be quite a stretch for you, the reader, to claim that you haven't engaged in similar practices in your own use of facebook.

I took a good hard look at my list of facebook friends the other day, and tried to figure out (approximately) what percentage of them are actually people that I talk to more than once a year for a meaningless happy birthday wall post. I thought to myself, how many of these people do I actually consider to be my friends. How many of these people are folks that I would trust? The result was disturbing to say the least. By my estimates I would say less than twenty percent of the people that I currently have as facebook friends are actually real friends at all. As for the other eighty percent, well, they're more like facebook filler, you know, to keep your news feed interesting. New photos at someone's cottage who I don't know! Sweet! Let the comments nobody cares about begin!

So the question remains, why do we do it? Why do we dilute our friends list with meaningless acquaintances, and live in some fantasy world where everyone is a 'great pal' of ours? Maybe, it's a way of making people feel more popular than they are. Didn't have that many friends growing up? No problem. Just add all those guys you met in the line at the bar. Maybe, its so you can stalk their pictures and find out just where they've been hiding . I don't think I'm qualified, nor insightful enough to provide an all-encompassing answer to this question, but its just something to think about.

Facebook is a great application for many reasons, keeping in touch with people you don't often see being one of them. Just don't forget the people who are important to you. What are those people called again? F**k, I almost forgot. Oh yeah! Friends.